Harbingers of Failure

Ask your woman why she chose a Louis Vuitton bag or Manolo Blahnik shoes. She’ll talk endlessly and enthusiastically about these possessions. Impressive, huh? Has she told you, to your face, with similar enthusiasm, why she chose you? If not, there are three possible reasons, each unacceptable: 1) you never asked her; 2) she doesn’t adore you; 3) she’s guarded and unexpressive. Whatever the case, your relationship is already dead and headed for dissolution.

If you continue this relationship, however, without hearing her glowing testimonial about you, do so at your peril — and prepare for her scathing testimony about you in court. By the way, if you fail to communicate likewise to her, you are just as culpable for your eventual breakup. Being able to talk ad nauseam about why you love fishing or hunting or football, while unable to express specifically why you’re living with or married to her, is a HUGE red flag.

Lack of conviction and inability to communicate it are two harbingers of failure — in politics, in relationships, in business. One of my most searing political memories is from November 4, 1979, three days before Senator Ted Kennedy officially announced his candidacy for the 1980 Democratic presidential nomination. On that pivotal night, CBS News correspondent Roger Mudd asked him why he wanted to be president. Kennedy, shocked by Mudd’s insightful question, stumbled, fumbled, and uttered a convictionless, passionless policy-speak response, precipitating a sharp decline in his popularity. Jimmy Carter ultimately defeated him 50%-38%. Kennedy really didn’t want to be president, and it was obvious.

Dumbfounding

Marriage in America is an institution in decline: divorce continues to ravage parents (especially fathers) and children; for the first time in history, only 49% of women are married; and the ever-climbing out-of-wedlock birthrate now averages 40%. Why is this? First, family law encourages acrimony and single-mother households. Second, misandrist feminists like Rosanna Hertz condone and celebrate fatherless homes. Third, men and women join forces for all the wrong reasons and can’t even explain why they’re together. It’s dumbfounding. If you don’t believe me, ask your best buddy why he’s with his current girlfriend or wife. You’ll be amazed at his answer. Or, maybe you won’t be.

Last week, singer Enrique Iglesias announced to the press that, for at least three years, he’s been with girlfriend Anna Kournikova, who has ignored his countless marriage proposals. Says Iglesias about his unrequited attempts to betroth Anna: “I always try, but she pays me no attention.” Ignoring him is abusive, disrespectful behavior: she owes him an answer, one way or the other. But, his tolerance of her abuse and disrespect is proof that he has no self-esteem. Why on earth are these people together? And, what keeps them together? Besides unhealthy inertia and individual self-loathing, I haven’t a clue. Yet, you may identify with their dysfunctional dynamic and wonder why it’s a problem. If so, you need serious help.

The NoNonsense Bottom Line

Become Roger Mudd: Get to the “heart” of your relationship; determine why your woman wants to be with you. Ask her this simple, revealing question: Why did you choose me? If she’s not as obviously excited, animated, passionate, specific, and forthcoming about you as she is about her new shoes, give her the boot.

About the Author

Marc H. Rudov is a globally recognized radio/TV personality and author of 80+ articles and the books Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze, or Jumper Cables (ISBN 9780974501727), and The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth (ISBN 0974501719). Mr. Rudov hosts The Marc Rudov Show, a radio talkshow for men, and is a regular guest on Fox News Channel’s Your World with Neil Cavuto and The O’Reilly Factor.

Rudov’s books, articles, blog, and podcasts are available at TheNoNonsenseMan.com.

Copyright © 2008 by Marc H. Rudov. All rights reserved.

Crazy in Bed

We really didn’t like each other, but our sex was good; that’s why we stayed together so long. Does this dysfunctional comment sound familiar, perhaps describing one of your relationships? Is it possible to resent your girlfriend or wife outside of bed, yet enjoy her in bed? Many succumb to this “bad-blood/good-sex” delusion, but, given the general misunderstanding of good sex, that doesn’t surprise me.

There’s an old axiom about women: “crazy in the head, crazy in the bed.” It’s true; believe me. But, crazy and good are not synonymous. Good sex requires that both partners have healthy attitudes about themselves (which is rare) and that they mutually share emotional connection, vulnerability, trust, respect, and lust—inside and outside the bedroom (which is rarer). Most foreplay occurs in regular conversations, with playful teasing, between two people who truly adore and enjoy each other. So, if you struggle to gaze at or talk to her at breakfast, your sex isn’t good—her screaming and sweating notwithstanding.

Emotional Insulation

We live in a detached, desensitized world, as evidenced by the plethora of voicemails, text messages, IMs, and e-mails dominating our lives. The art of, like, intelligent conversation has, like, you know, vanished. Moreover, we have become a hostile society, where, without shame or remorse, people—even kids in elementary school—post embarrassing photos and libelous comments about each other on the Internet.

It is no wonder, then, that people navigate and survive their relationships using this mantra: Avoid intimate connection at all costs. To wit: How often have you received an e-mail from—or sent an e-mail to—a paramour addressed to “hey” … or addressed to nobody? To include the recipient’s name in the greeting is the sender’s way of communicating warmth and intimacy. Not to include it is to communicate coldness and avoidance, and to insult the receiver. Yet, most people ignore this common courtesy—a sign of our detached, desensitized times.

Wearing layers of emotional insulation prevents people from knowing or feeling the difference between a true sexual connection and what occurs between two hissing, screaming cats outside the bedroom window. And, this ignorance is the greatest reason people callously treat each other like discardable newspapers. It also gives them the power not to feel anything—to shut down, withdraw, cheat, and split. How convenient and tidy.

Women, we were socialized to believe, are nurturing, emotive, hugging, kissing, cuddling, attentive angels, while men are uncaring, cold, closed, distant, unaffectionate troglodytes. This is a HUGE lie. Gender doesn’t determine one’s generous nature; upbringing and attitude do. When I meet a nurturing, emotive woman, I know she is an exception—not the norm.

Most women, especially American women, are raised to be selfish takers. The paucity of women in bars buying drinks for men proves my point exactly, as does the female-centric emphasis of Valentine’s Day. It is impossible to have good sex with a taker. But, so many men feel “lucky” to have sex that they’re blind to, or don’t care about, this critical rule of life.

The NoNonsense Bottom Line

Watch a batter approach homeplate at the next baseball game. He’ll execute an autopilot ritual of settling in before facing the pitcher: big swings with the bat, digging into a comfortable foot position, spitting, and maybe grabbing his crotch. In fact, he performs this repeatable, predictable ritual regardless of venue, time of day, or opponent.

More likely than not, you are the same way in relationships: Without thinking, you execute a repeatable, predictable mating ritual, regardless of venue, time of day, or “opponent.” Such patterned behavior will draw you towards mates with similar flaws—especially selfishness—and then lead you to endure those familiar grooves, ruts, frustrations, resentments, and dynamics. What you may not realize is that your autopilot behavior will prevent you from establishing a solid emotional connection with any paramour. Bad blood, yes; good sex, no.

To engage in the self-delusion that loud sex with a lousy partner is tantamount to good sex merely prolongs your agony—and is a compound error. If your relationship contains bad blood, end the delusion and get a transfusion. Only with a good partner will you experience good sex.

About the Author

Marc H. Rudov is a globally recognized radio/TV personality and author of 80+ articles and the books Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze, or Jumper Cables (ISBN 9780974501727), and The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth (ISBN 0974501719). Mr. Rudov hosts The Marc Rudov Show, a radio talkshow for men, and is a regular guest on Fox News Channel’s Your World with Neil Cavuto and The O’Reilly Factor.

Rudov’s books, articles, blog, and podcasts are available at TheNoNonsenseMan.com.

Copyright © 2008 by Marc H. Rudov. All rights reserved.