Relationship Ranking

Alfred Adler, an Austrian psychiatrist and contemporary of Sigmund Freud and Carl Jung, was, by most accounts, the first to associate birth order with personality. In 2007, Time magazine devoted an article, “The Power of Birth Order,” to this subject. One cannot choose the pecking order within his family — his parents do that — but, in a romantic relationship, he can. Relationship ranking, like family ranking, affects one’s personality and demeanor. Why, then, do so many men choose relationships in which they won’t be numero uno?

The simple answer is, these men don’t feel worthy of being top dogs and, therefore, don’t insist on supreme ranking when choosing their girlfriends and wives. Worse, they don’t even think they’re permitted to demand it.

In the past two weeks, I had separate conversations on this subject with a man and a woman, each romantically involved with a parent of children who are his or her top priority. My question to each was, If you want to be #1 in your paramour’s life, why did you choose one who cannot or will not treat you that way? This query hit them like a hammer between the eyes, forcing each to examine his self-worth and choices.

The aforementioned man, like so many people I’ve met, told me that a chief reason he fell in love with his girlfriend is that she’s such a great mother, and he admires her for that. My response: “Terrific! What does her motherly devotion have to do with you?” Of course, the answer is absolutely nothing. I saw an expression on his face redolent of someone just zonked on the head with a can of V-8. In other words, he was thinking, That’s right! It has nothing to do with me. Why did I choose her?

Cut Those Umbilical Cords

To be fair, I’ve met or encountered just as many women who fell in love with men because they are good fathers or good sons. And, I asked them, What does this have to do with you? Same answer: absolutely nothing. Never equate a good father or son or mother or daughter with being a good boyfriend or husband or girlfriend or wife.

In fact, I assert that a woman overly devoted to her children or parents will be a terrible girlfriend or wife. Now, if she is a bad mother, you don’t want her, either. Part of being a good mother, though, is teaching her children to become independent and to respect her private life. If she refuses to impart this to her children, she is doing them — and herself — a disservice; she is the kind of woman you must avoid. The only reason to bring a woman into your life — and this is critical to remember — is that she’ll be good for YOU.

How do you know what priority or ranking a woman places or will place on you? Ask her! If she says, “I’m sorry but my children must come first,” you know where you rank. If she often states, “I’d like to spend the weekend with you, but I have to help the kids with their homework,” she is giving you a low ranking. This does not make her a bad person; it makes her a bad girlfriend. If you ignore her honesty, don’t blame her down the road for making you second, third, or fourth in her life.

Alas, many of you will do just that. Your only choice is to walk away, to find another woman. If being first is important to you, find a woman who can and will make you first. She must be able to separate motherhood from womanhood. She must be able to cut those umbilical cords, both upstream (with her parents) and downstream (with her children). If she can’t or won’t do that, she’ll be an endless source of frustration to you. By the same token, if you can’t cut your umbilical cords, you’ll be a terrible boyfriend or husband.

If you choose to get involved with a woman who can’t or won’t make you #1, it means you place a low value on yourself, your wishes, and your needs. To rationalize her inadequate, unsatisfying devotion to you with thoughts of accommodation, compromise, being a good guy, and admiration of her mothering skills is to reduce your own importance, significance, relevance, and ranking. It means, with all honesty, that your esteem tank is low. It’s that simple.

Nobody forced you to be with the woman in your life. Ultimately, if she accords you a low ranking, you’ll harbor feelings of resentment and self-loathing. Why hurt yourself that way? Perhaps, based on your upbringing, you think this is what a relationship is supposed to be. If you want to be depressed, it’s easier and cheaper to buy season tickets for the San Francisco Giants.

The NoNonsense Bottom Line

I am a big advocate of communication. It bewilders me how many men and women don’t or won’t or can’t talk to each other about critical issues — money, equality, birth control, unintended pregnancies, intended pregnancies, sexual styles and appetites, and relationship ranking. And, then, they are “astounded” in a few months or years to discover infidelity, abandonment, or divorce petitions. Why?

Nothing in your relationship ever should be a surprise — if you are paying attention, expressing your wishes, receiving reciprocal communication, and compatible with your partner.

To be number one is to be the most-important person in your partner’s life. It is not to be more important than your partner. Critical distinction. It is not selfish to want to be your partner’s numero uno; it is essential. Why else have a partner? When you live alone, you are number one in the house, and it feels great. Why, then, elect to become anything else but first?

Today’s kids don’t know their place. Why? Because too many parents put kids above each other, and everything else. Moreover, female-ly courts require that children and mothers come first; that’s why the entitled generation of “millennials” exists.

Men and fathers aren’t on the radar screens of any politicians or any legislation; so, they already have two strikes against them. Becoming involved with a woman who placed her kids above her ex-husband and everything else, therefore, is an automatic strikeout — because she’ll do the same thing to you. Moronic masochism. You’d be amazed how many men willingly sign up for that.

If you’re in a relationship with a woman, are you her number one? If not, you’re number two — and that stinks.

About the Author

Marc H. Rudov is an internationally recognized radio/TV personality and author of 70+ articles and the books Under the Clitoral Hood: How to Crank Her Engine Without Cash, Booze, or Jumper Cables (ISBN 9780974501727), and The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet Earth (ISBN 0974501719). Mr. Rudov is a regular guest on Fox News Channel’s Your World with Neil Cavuto and The O’Reilly Factor.

Rudov’s books, articles, blog, and podcasts are available at TheNoNonsenseMan.com.

Copyright © 2008 by Marc H. Rudov. All rights reserved.