by Marc H. Rudov
Entitlement, Ad Nauseam
Hardly a day goes by without the birth of yet another article, written by a disillusioned woman, bemoaning the dearth or death of chivalry. The crux of each screed is: “Why should we pay for dinners? We’re women, after all, entitled to special treatment! What happened to tradition?” The scribes of these whining editorials, ranging from editors of college newspapers to Maureen Dowd of the New York Times, don’t seem to grasp how much they diminish themselves — and all women — with attitudes rooted in double-standard nonsense: demand for equality in the workplace and privileges outside of it.
I recently appeared on MTV Live, originating in Toronto. The subject was manners in dating. MTV’s definition of manners? How men should treat women. No thought about how women should treat men. This is akin thematically to the articles about chivalry: what women unilaterally expect, demand, and are entitled to receive from men. Never any mentions of how women should reciprocate to men, other than showing up to enjoy themselves. Enough already. Grow up, girls.
East of Eden
The third chapter of the Book of Genesis contains the universally known story about Adam and Eve. Essentially, this story teaches us about making choices and dealing with their consequences–in other words, living as adults.
Adam lived in the Garden of Eden, where G-d totally protected him and prescribed his activities — much as a child is raised. G-d instructed Adam to eat freely from the Tree of Life but never from the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. Adam obeyed, at first. Knowing that successful stories require conflict, G-d created Eve and then the serpent. True to form, the crafty serpent easily convinced Eve to eat the forbidden fruit. Eve, in turn, persuaded Adam to partake of it as well. As a consequence, G-d banished them from the coddled safety of the Garden of Eden to the unprotective real world.
The common perception of the Adam and Eve story is one of disobedience, curses, sins, and punishment. I, however, don’t accept that slant, preferring instead the interpretation of Rabbi Harold S. Kushner, author of the world-famous When Bad Things Happen to Good People. Kushner teaches that, by obtaining the Knowledge of Good and Evil, Adam and Eve became “human.” They irreversibly elected adulthood, freedom of choice, and accountability, precluding afterwards a return to the pampered, entitled life of ignorant bliss.
Upon leaving Eden, Adam and Eve lost their immortality via the Tree of Life, being required instead to procreate and navigate the pains and challenges of parenthood. They would have to live “in the valley of the shadow of death,” possessing the daily knowledge of their mortality. Adam learned that, henceforth, he would earn a living “by the sweat of his brow.” Knowing Right vs. Wrong separated Adam and Eve from the animals and made them responsible for the first time — a depth they didn’t have in paradisaical Eden. This abrupt change enhanced, not diminished, their lives. On the contrary, living forever like a protected, spoiled, entitled child is a punishment, not a reward.
Choices
The Garden of Eden lesson is that life is about choices. Yet, as an author and radio guest who has contact with men and women from all over the world, I know firsthand that this lesson is lost on the women who constantly decry the dearth or death of chivalry. Too many females simply don’t accept the premise that, once they leave their parents’ “Gardens of Eden,” they are choosing the responsibilities and accountability of adulthood. Unfortunately, these coddled, entitled women want the double standard of one foot in the real world — college degrees, big salaries, home ownership — and one in the garden of special privileges — presumed wining & dining, child custody, etc. Such a woman wants to achieve and to be taken care of. But, life doesn’t work that way.
What is this chivalry these entitled women so crave? I define chivalry as benevolent sexism, or BS, a one-way street of largesse from men to women. Men extend chivalry not out of respect but as a condescending means to an end, and that end occurs in the bedroom. Chivalry differs from civility, which is a two-way street of considerate, generous behavior. Civility is bereft of gender-based entitlement; chivalry is all about gender-based entitlement.
Just as Eve made a fundamental choice about life, so, too, must women in today’s world choose: deferential treatment or respect. They can have one or the other, but never both. Women who want chivalry and also believe chivalrous men respect them as peers are kidding themselves. In an era when a woman can become anything she wants and earn as much as she wants, if she also expects men to finance her social life, she is beyond audacious. She’s rude and narcissistic.
A demanding woman can succeed only if men cater to her demands. A woman cannot get special treatment from the bank, the IRS, the car dealer, the restaurant, the hotel, the airline, the grocery store, the doctor, or the health club. Why should she get it from men? She shouldn’t. But, if a man accords her special treatment, it’s because by demanding it she has reduced herself to a sex object. And, that’s really how he views her. Their so-called relationship then becomes based on legalized prostitution, not respect.
NoNonsense Bottom Line
If women want to gain respect amongst men, they must leave the Garden of Eden permanently, with both feet in the real, tough world. They must stop demanding chivalry, act like peers, and treat men like peers. This critical behavioral change does not make women less feminine and men less masculine. It makes them peers — equal in intelligence, capability, and potential — with different sex organs and complementary styles. The next time a woman writes a plaintive article about the lack of chivalry, I recommend that the rest of you request that she stop her whining — which hurts all of you.
Men who are tired of double-standard chivalry demands can end them today: stop tolerating them. Women have higher sex drives than men; so, don’t use getting laid as an excuse. Once you defer to her nonsense, you create an irreversible, negative, lopsided, destructive dynamic that endures the life of your time together. If she insists on keeping one foot in the Garden of Eden, you can walk away. After all, life is about choices, isn’t it?
About the Author
Marc H. Rudov is an investment banker and business consultant residing in Silicon Valley, CA. He is the author of 20 articles and the book, The Man’s No-Nonsense Guide to Women: How to Succeed in Romance on Planet EarthTM (ISBN 0974501719).
Rudov’s book, articles, blog, and podcasts are available at http://www.thenononsenseman.com/.
Copyright © 2006 by Marc H. Rudov. All rights reserved.
